I was so sure.

I entered college as a history major. Pre-law. I declared my minor in environmental studies halfway through the first semester. The end goal? Law school, and then life as an environmental attorney, a career choice that almost everyone who knows me acknowledged as well fitting, in regards to both my personality and my interests. 

The real end goal, however, was never just to be an attorney. I’ve known for a long time now that whatever I end up doing in life will be because I want to help others. Being an environmental attorney would mean actively taking part in defending what I’m so passionate about, and while the idea of the change I will help bring about still appeals to me, I’m not so sure I want to be an attorney anymore.

Actually I’m 80% sure that I don’t want to be a lawyer. I can’t pinpoint when I started feeling this, but it’s a gut feeling that I haven’t been able to shake for weeks now. I’d convinced myself it was what I wanted because all that mattered in the end was that I would be able to speak for the trees (a fitting statement now that The Lorax is going to be in theatres). All I want to do is help people/things, but I’m not so sure how I’m going to get there anymore. I’m working on applying to Marshall, but so what? So I can get a better job? But I don’t want to do business; I’ve never wanted to do business, that’s why I didn’t apply to college as a business major. I’m at a point where I’m considering pre-med, which no one has ever heard me breathe a word of until about a week ago. Maybe I don’t even want to be a doctor, all I’m trying to get out of it is helping people, but I am so lost and I don’t know what to do. 

This is so weird because Matty posted something about wanting to do art a while so I wrote a post back in response, which I just read, and I can’t believe I was the one who wrote that. First of all, I really should have double checked it before posting it, but more importantly, I was so sure. 

Right now, I can’t tell if I’m losing or finding myself.